Defining Self & Success

SuccessAs it stands today, education is geared towards teaching our young students the importance of achieving success. How we define success can make or break our students self-worth. All too often, success is defined according to our culture and in today’s society, success means having money and power so that you can be in control of your own happiness.

My New Definition of Success

As a well-educated and self-proclaimed “definer” of my own success,  I too adhered to society’s definition. The typical Type A student, I found myself always trying to live up to and then exceed my own expectations, attempting to outdo my last triumph and climb the ladder towards the next goal that would reinvigorate my self-worth and value to others. But it seemed the ladder never ended and that if I chose to, I could climb forever.  Only recently, did I begin to question the definition of success I adopted as a child. Through age, experience, and honestly the fact that I was just so tired of my never-ending climb, I  began to realize that my definition of success hinged on control.

And then I realized that control was an illusion.

The fact is I have no control over anyone or anything, except my own behavior, choices and actions. That’s it. After the initial shock wore off, it was oddly reassuring to know that the weight of worrying about having enough money and power so that I could be happy one day had lifted. A new chapter had begun.

I no longer have to wait till I have enough to be happy, I can just be.

Collectively Learning Success Through Praise

Children learn to define success through praise. We were praised for taking our first step, eating our first solid food, and using the potty for the first time. Our basic definition of success revolved around our basic needs. As children grow, the adults in their lives praise them for different things, harder things like getting an A on a test. If you’re praised for getting an A, then achieving an A becomes part of your definition of success. And we, as a culture, unquestionably accept this definition.

But what if we began defining success less collectively and more individually?

At the core of education is understanding how we each learn differently. We’re all good at different things and we all struggle with different challenges. Yet, we are taught to define success in the same way.

The system of education is beginning to catch up with the notion of individualized learning, Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences, and even brain-mapping. Most educators acknowledge the research but many cannot fathom how to teach 32 students in 32 different ways. Classroom practices will have to be redefined to accommodate this new definition of learning too.

Embrace Individualized Education Now

I’m afraid we cannot wait for the system to catch up with the student. It’ll be too late and another generation lost to the definition that an A means you’re worthy. The work of change must be done now.

It’s important that parents and teachers collaborate, looking at the whole child and honoring their strengths while redefining their challenges. How do we do this?  At home, you can begin to praise your child for achieving a B or even a C in that really hard subject. So your child’s strength is with words and not formulas. That’s okay. She will still be successful in her own right. At school, you can begin to praise your shy student for his thoughtful paper on the subject, even though he chose not to raise his hand to participate in the class discussion.

Redefine Your Expectations

I want to be clear: I am not saying to lower your expectations, but, rather, redefine them in accordance with your child’s individual strengths and challenges. Children want to please you; they will rise to the challenges you set for them. It’s our job, as parents and teachers, to make sure those challenges build upon each other in an attainable way.

Do we define a baby’s first fall as failure? No, we define it as learning. Expectation and failure go hand in hand. Some parents and educators shy away from exposing their students to failure at a young age for fear their child will think of themselves as a failure. Did the baby think of herself as a failure when she fell for the first time? Probably not because her parents reassured her that it would be okay. Then her parents helped their child up and she attempted to learn to walk again.

That’s exactly what we as parents and teachers should be doing with our students: redefining success and failure as, simply, learning.

The challenge is really within ourselves because until we can redefine our own successes and failures as learning, we cannot extend the same kindness towards our children. How we treat others is a reflection of how we see ourselves. That’s one lesson I continue to learn over and over again. Thankfully, that’s a lesson I’m ready to learn.

Christine Terry, J.D., is the Founder & Executive Director of Terry Tutors Specialized Education Services.

She created the One Wraparound Service for The Struggling Student, which includes Academic, Behavior, Special Education Advocacy, and School Placement services. Christine truly loves helping struggling students realize their inner potential and the possibilities that await them in and out of the classroom.






Put Your Thinking Cap On & Learn About Multiple Intelligences

thinking capWith my itty-bitty Preschool and Kindergarten students we begin our tutoring sessions by putting on our Thinking Caps, like this one that I recently made for Gavin.

Young students generally need a concrete reminder to distinguish when it’s time to work and time to play. Kinesthetic Learning, also known as Tactile Learning, is a style of learning intelligence whereby the student uses a physical activity to understand a new concept. Kinesthetic learners process information by doing, as opposed to processing information by hearing (auditory), speaking (verbal), or seeing (visual). For example, those who process information kinesthetically learn better by physically putting on a Thinking Cap to mark the time to begin a more formalized lesson, swinging a bat to illustrate the mathematical concept of radius, or holding a slinky to help them break down a word into syllables. By the way, I’m a big fan of Slinkys! They’re fantastic physical tools for students who need a little help with phonological awareness. By using a slinky the child can physically hold it in their hands and play with its accordion-like structure to separate each syllable into its appropriate parts. So Animal becomes An/I/Mal.

Kinesthetic Learning is just one of the Theories of Multiple Intelligences, put forth by Dr. Howard Gardner in his 1983 book Multiple Intelligence TheoryFrames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences. Garder’s theory embraces various forms of learning that make up a person’s intelligence: (1) Logical-Mathematical, (2) Spatial, (3) Linguistic, (4) Bodily-Kinesthetic, (5) Musical, (6) Interpersonal (7) Intrapersonal (8) Naturalistic, and (9) Existential. The Theory of Multiple Intelligences presents a conflicting point of view compared to the General Intelligence Theory that many of our IQ tests are based upon. However, we’re beginning to recognize more and more that there is not just one way of learning and a student can no longer be generalized. In fact, some schools like Kirk O’ The Valley embrace The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, weaving in various learning styles to teach to each type of intelligence. Their goal is to the teach to the whole student. Although it may seem unconventional, their students go on to complete their middle and high school education at some of the top college-prep and academically rigorous schools in Los Angeles, where they in turn are prepared to attend some of the top of colleges in the nation.

Mmm… very interesting, isn’t. it. So how best do you learn? Put on your Thinking Cap and see what Multiple Intelligences you have here!

Christine Terry, J.D., is the Founder & Owner of Terry Tutors, a Private Tutoring, Family Coaching, and Education Advocacy service dedicated to supporting the whole student. She writes this blog as an effort to help Moms & Dads Navigate Generation Z, Honestly. Want to Know More? Head on over to